True Joy or 20 minutes to speak up

Are you tired of your spouse – or yourself – reacting to something that you/he/she did way back? Like in “Last summer you went to movies without even asking me if I wanted to go with you. That really hurt!”. Sometimes something apparently small can push a big button – and because it’s just a small thing (or for any other perfect reasons) you decide to swallow the reaction. But then, it doesn’t quite work this way – you can’t get it out of your system, so it comes up again: days, weeks, months, perhaps even years later. So here you are, the two of you discussing your past: “But you should have…” “But you didn’t”… “But you…but… but!” – feeling like you’re caught in a bad, old dream and you can’t wake up. So what to do?

The ultimate way is to take a step towards awakening from bad dreams once and for all. To approach situations like these in a radically new, liberating way – the Busting Loose way. To start walking on your path to True Joy. To start creating relationships in a radically new way. Which by the way you can do, regardless whether your spouse will join you on such path or not.

Or, if for some reason you don’t feel that this is where you want to go, at least not right now, here’s a “It’s now or never” strategy that you may find both challenging and refreshing: I’ve just seen a couple sharing this in a Danish documentary: They have made a “contract” with each other: “If you have a reaction to something I do or say and you don’t bring it up within the next 20 minutes the case is closed!”. Meaning, speak up now or you’ve got to deal with it on your own!

Now this comes from a mature, loving couple that’s totally committed to each other, so it’s not that they don’t care. On the contrary, it’s because they support each other in sharing and expressing themselves honestly and authentically here and now, rather than hiding “stuff” and then let it germinate (or rot ).

I’m sure you and I could think of plenty of other ways to approach conflict and communication in relationships but right now I’m only interested in these two, so right now this is what I’m sharing here. Because only right now really counts!

1 Comment

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  By Dr.Jeanette Raymond, September 5, 2009 @ 12:43 am

  Hot buttons grab you and create conflict because your emotions hijack you into thinking you are being attacked. So you may react in a way that feels protective but only disconnects you from your partner. THAT IS SABOTAGE.

  Do you want to know if you may be in danger of messing up your relationship AGAIN?

  Go to http://drjeanetteraymond.com/how_likely_you_are/

  and take the quiz. You get a profile of your relationship style.

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